Reflections

I could not let today pass without recording some of the thoughts and feelings I have had this week.

Seventeen years ago today I nearly died.

My friend Ryan did die that day and the impact of that experience on my life is nearly impossible to fully explain. But this week the days and dates have matched that of 17 years ago and since I was 17 when it happened my heart and mind has been turned to that time.

On my birthday, 17 years ago Peter showed up to my house for a study group with a homemade baked cheesecake to celebrate. He also gave me a silver ring made from a silver quarter. I have worn that ring almost as much as my wedding ring and probably more since I have had it longer. It is beautiful and simple and he put his love into it, love that I was not aware of yet.

I do not remember too much more about that week except that we did not have school on the 18th due to end of term or something like that and the weather was beautiful that day. I spent it playing at the park with some friends. 

Saturday morning, a snow storm had arrived and it was a cold day but perfect for snowmobiling. I was not aware but my mom had a very uneasy feeling that day and could not shake it. She prayed twice with my dad that morning and she prayed multiple times on her own. She has always been so spiritually in tune and that day was not different. 

Four of us headed out that day and there were several events that took place that seemed odd but we were young and we just rolled along and enjoyed ourselves.

 I will never forget being surrounded by darkness but with light as well and hearing Ryan saying my name. He was telling me I needed to wake up and calling my name over and over. I opened my eyes and that was all that I could do at first but I soon realized that Ryan was not there as I had thought. He was still unconcious several feet away from me. 

I will not forget thinking just before I opened my eyes that I was not ready to die and to meet my maker and that this made me sad for a very long time. 

I will never forget that he did wake up and he did come to me and then he collapsed and he did not move again.

I will never forget hearing and seeing cars that could not see me. I could hear voices of people but they could not see me or hear me. 

I will not forget the relief I felt when we were found. Or when others, a scout troop and their leader, came and helped in oh so many ways-be prepared came to mean something so much more to those boys and to me that day. 

I will not forget the weird man that drove the snowmobile out of the ravine with me on the back. I will not forget the nice people in the ambulance -both times. 

I will not forget the doctor in the 2 bed ER that held up Ryan's xray for me to see in an attempt to make me understand the urgency in needing to get a hold of his parents. 

I will not forget the wail from my other friend's mom when she came to the hospital. 

I will not forget telling someone just before I was transported to Provo and they asked how I was and I said, "I've had better days."

I will not forget that I did not cry until I was alone with my dad in the ER in Provo and finally felt safe enough to ask why? I will not forget his emotions as he tried to explain that he did not know but it would be okay. 

I will not forget the friends who were there to see me because they cared so much for me, Peter was one of them.

I will not forget how horribly sick I felt for days. One day I could not open my eyes for feeling so very ill. Each time I did there was a new group of friends there to greet me and tell me they loved me and wanted for me to get better. 

I will not forget that my brother was able to call home from his mission to talk to me and how he offered such heartfelt words of comfort full of faith and truth.

I will not forget my mom reading my patriarchal blessing to me in an effort to make sense of what had happened and why my life was spared. 

This is the part that really struck me today. I was 17 when this happened Saturday March 23, 1996 and it has been 17 years. What have I done with my life? Have I done what my Heavenly Father intended for me to do? Have I served Him in the ways he has needed me to? Am I learning the lessons He needs me to learn so that I may be able to return to him someday? Have I made the most of this time I was so graciously given. My life has been doubled. 

I do know that my testimony was doubled during that experience. I gained so much faith and knowledge about death, life, the plan of salvation, eternal families, the priesthood, the Savior, His Atonement, prayer, the Holy Ghost and so many other things. 

Since then, I have had so many wonderful, happy, painful, sad and faith building experiences. My testimony has continued to grow. I have tried to keep the commandments and live the gospel. I can think of times where I did not do such a great job and feel so blessed that I have the time to continue to become a better and more faithful person. I can see so clearly in my life my Heavenly Father's love for me and his desire for me to be happy, faithful, strong and to return to him.  I am who I am because of the gospel and how it has allowed me to face the challenges of 17 years ago and the challenges since. I do not want to die anytime soon but if for some reason Heavenly Father saw fit to call me home I would probably feel a little more ready. Alma 34:32 "For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors." I am so very grateful for the knowledge I have gained over the 17 years and the covenants I have made in the temple. I believe it is those covenants that help me to remember how precious my life is and that Heavenly Father will always be with me and always bless me as long as I am doing my part to build up His kingdom. There is nothing I would rather be doing. Have I made the most of my life?-I am not sure but I am striving to and hope to recommit today to be more of the woman, mother, wife, and daughter of my Heavenly Father that I want to be and He knows I can be.