Doing Better

It all started Sunday night as I was getting ready for bed.

I had some spotting and knew it was not going to end well.

Tears were shed and a beautiful blessing was given by my amazing husband.

Monday morning I was at the doctor's at 7:50 and Peter was at home being Mr. Mom.

By 8:50 my fears were confirmed, this baby was not meant to be in our earthly family.

After a second ultrasound to confirm and further discussion with my wonderful doctor, I headed home.

Peter and I discussed, I cried and then curled up in a ball and slept for awhile. 

Peter, is a trooper and went to babysit a friend's kids that I was supposed to do-he was so willing to do whatever I needed. He even called my mom to break the news.

We told our kids before bed on that night.  Joey was really upset and cried.  Jon was sad he would not get to see this baby either and Arabella was really trying to make sense of what it meant for the baby to be dead.  Lily was unaware that anything was going on. 

We explained that we were an eternal family and that the baby would always be a part of our family and one day when the Savior comes again we would get to see that baby.  We also tried to explain that sometimes a baby does grow until it is born for different reasons but that maybe all that spirit needed was a body even if it was very small to fulfill it's earthly mission.

Tuesday morning I headed back to the doctor and Peter came with me and then headed back to work.

I was given a natural substance to help move the process along so that I would be prepared for a D and C on Wednesday.  I had this stuff last time and remembered it caused a lot of cramping.  It did the same thing this time too.

The medicine worked very well and I was able to pass the baby and everything that night.  Part of me had just wanted to go to sleep and wake up to have it all be over but in the end part of me was really grateful not to have had to undergo the D and C. My sweet doctor let us call her on her cell phone and she told us to come in first thing Wednesday morning for another ultrasound. 

Wednesday morning we dropped the kids off at school and a babysitter and headed to the doctor. 

Everything looked great! I was feeling physically much better and emotionally we were fine, not great but fine. Peter took the rest of the day off and he helped me get a few things done that had needed to get done this week.  It was nice to spend time together and to be focusing on the everyday things of life.

I have come to realize that Peter and I have similar coping mechanisms.  I realized years ago that if Peter was upset  of any kind (angry, sad, frustrated...) he will clean or organize.  First he headed to the garage on Monday, Tuesday he did some things in the kitchen for me, last night he sorted through some things he has been meaning to for awhile.  I have found myself doing bits of organizing and sorting through those piles that we all have somewhere in our house and putting things away. 

I am so thankful to have had Peter beside me loving and supporting me.  This time around I was far more aware of the fact that the question to be asked was not why me but why us.  This was hard on Peter in different ways than it was on me.  I realized that he was not only suffering the loss of a child we were so excited about having but that he had to watch me suffer through the physical and emotional of this. We have been so blessed to have really good home teachers while living here in Texas.  Peter did not hesitate to call our home teacher and get a blessing Tuesday morning.  I was so thankful for our home teacher.  Peter is able to give that blessing to me but I can not return that favor and so I was so grateful for someone whom Peter felt he could turn to in his time of need. 

I am aware that there will be plenty of hard days to come and many questions that may or may not ever be answered.  But Monday night as we read scriptures as a family a phrase was in our reading that will carry me through this experience. We have been working our way through the Book of Mormon for around 3 years and will finish by the end of the year.  Fate, destiny, blessing or what have you allowed us to read in Ether chapter 12 and verses 26-27 were mine to read.  As I started and felt the love our Savior and Heavenly Father, I could not finish.  His grace is sufficient.  The Father's glorious plan provided for a Savior who through the atonement would be able to allow us to live with unanswered questions and endure our challenges.  

I am uncertain what my future will be like but I do have faith that the Father knows.  I do know that when I have allowed  His hand to guide my life it has always worked out for the best.  I do know that Peter is the best man in the world and I am so blessed to have him by my side as we strive to live the lives our Heavenly Father would have us live.