I have found that there are times that adulthood is not all I thought it would be when I was probably 10 and wanted nothing more than to grow up.
First,becoming a mom. As a little girl I played with dolls and dreamed of having my own babies someday. Then I got a little older and still wanted to "get married and be a mom someday". I would even play MASH to find out how many kids I would have and who I would have them with. Then I became a teenager and knew I would need to have the perfect man to have this family with and the question of who could not be answered simply by playing MASH or by twisting your apple core while saying the ABC's to find out the first letter of your future spouse. Then I started dating Peter and began to dream of the family we would have one day. Finally, I was married and knew a family was soon to come. Then it was a question of the "right time" and then what I thought was the perfect time turned into nearly 7 months of trying before I was pregnant with Joey. After you have one, everything about being a mother changes. It is no longer a dream or something you watch other people do. No, you are living it day in and day out. And though there are many you can turn to with your questions, there are just certain things you have to figure our for yourself and do the way that works best for you.
Now, you decide if you will have another. I wanted 6 before we had Joey. Then I said if we had 4 boys I was done. We were gratefully blessed with Arabella at #3 so we were sure we would have at least 4. But this is where my story changes from what my perception was to what reality is. Don't get me wrong, we love and cherish Lily every day! I just had no idea when I was dreaming of being a mother of the roller coaster that becoming one can be. Even after you learn about how babies are made or at least start to have ideas of how it all works, you don't really have a clue about what the emotional aspects of that are. By the time we decided to have kids, I knew that getting pregnant did not always come easily for some and it may not come at all for others. I remember pleading with my Heavenly Father to please let me have a child. I asked Peter for a blessing after 5 months of trying and beginning to feel quite anxious. I feel so lucky to have been blessed with the opportunity to become pregnant and know that there is life growing inside of me. To know, that my Heavenly Father was willing to trust me with one of his precious spirits.
My years as a nurse have unfortunately allowed me to be part of many patients' lives as they are experiencing the loss of a pregnancy or the threatened loss of one. There are few things that can compare to the look in a mother's face as she is wondering if she will ever feel that baby move within her or hopefully hold, love and raise that child in this life. I had my first miscarriage between Jon and Arabella. I was 10 weeks and I was angry. I felt like I had been cheated out of time. I had wanted to have my kids closer together and I had just lost 10 + weeks before I would have another baby. That miscarriage was nothing compared to my next. There were no feelings of anger over the loss of time. My heart and mind were filled with questions of why and what happened and what did I do wrong, am I now longer a good enough mother? I was 17 weeks, it was a boy and I have no doubt in my mind that he is eternally mine as long as I remain worthy of my temple covenants. Lily came and filled my heart with joy and a sense that I could carry a baby and it would be okay. I did often wonder if she would be my last baby. I hoped she would not but I tried harder to enjoy my moments of motherhood with her- night time feedings, smiles, laughs, crawling, recognition, her hugs and snuggles. And yet, having those things from her made me want more children. There is nothing wrong with that. I must say that this is where plenty of other aspects of adulthood could easily justify not having more children; i.e. clothes, food, house, insurance, college savings, mission savings. But I do have faith that as Peter and I work together and with the Lord, we will be able to provide for the needs of our family and hopefully a few of the wants and our children will be happy, faithful and healthy.
We moved forward with such confidence in our plan for one more and were blessed by getting pregnant quickly. It felt so very right and like the Lord was with us in this plan of ours. I do believe He was and is; He just had a different outcome. It is hard when what you thought was the final episode of your family turns into a to be continued. I never, even in my college years when I was educated thoroughly in the mechanics of having a baby, realized just how much of an emotional and spiritual journey this having a family would be - and I don't mean raising one.
Peter and I have done a great deal of talking, praying, fasting, and had a trip to the temple with the great and eternal question on our mind. I never thought either in those childhood/childish years how this journey would affect my husband- as a little girls the daddy just goes off to work and comes home. This is not a decision to be made just by me but most definitely by both of us. There are many aspects to be considered and not just the above mentioned material ones. Joey has asked a few times, questions such as "Mom, if your next baby survives where will it sleep?" How many times do you put your kids through the loss of a baby especially when they are excited to have another brother or sister? How many times do I put myself at risk for blood clot complications without risking my life and the chance to raise the children I have with the healthy body I have now? Do we decide we are done and raise these children with the belief that this way we will be that much closer to do such things as serving a mission together?
I tried to think of New Year's Resolutions this year but really my mind is quite distracted by this one topic. And so, my one new year's resolution is to find PEACE and FAITH in my Heavenly Father's plan for me and my family. I love to be in control of what is happening to me but this time I have come to accept that His plan is far better than mine. I will strive each day to not focus so much on this question of one more or not and if so then when and really just turn it over to him. I am glad I have the whole year to work on this because it is going to take me every single day!
