I just watched an episode of Criminal Minds and it was centered around a boy with autism who is the only witness to his parents abduction. As I watched, I could not help but think of my own boy with Asperger's- Joey.
As a parent, when you have a child you hold in your arms a person with truly endless possibilities. You have dreams of what they will become and what they will achieve. You have expectations of what you will be for them and to them. You expect that they will learn, grow, love and that you too will do the same as you go through life together. I believe that with your first some of your expectations are even higher, we all believe/hope that we will be the perfect parent with perfect children. You love your child from the time you know you are having them. You bond with them, worry about them, and pray for them and yet they are not even born yet.
Watching the boy in this show was at times like watching Joey- he was rocking and not making eye contact. This boy could not speak and my Joey can speak and sometimes does not when to stop speaking. The boy had a wooden train that was special to him and Joey has loved trains since he knew they existed. His parents did all they could for him and yet through the story you learn the parents don't realize he has autism and a family member points it out to them when he is 5 or a bit younger.
There is a part of me that wishes Joey had been diagnosed earlier and wonders why I as his mother did not recognize signs and do something about it. I suppose part of it is letting go of that dream of what you expect your child to be and accepting what they really are. That sounds wrong but it is true and I am pretty sure other parents have had that moment where they realize their child will not be the star quarterback or musician or perfect student and so they let go of that dream and accept the reality they have been given. The difference I believe is in how we react to that reality.
We have tried to get Joey the things he needs so he will be successful and have the ability to overcome any obstacles that Asperger's may cause him to have. I try to be patient with his conversations he starts mid-thought and you are left wondering what in the world he is talking about. I try to help him understand that not everyone will follow the rules to games or at school as strictly as he does-this causes a lot of anxiety for him. I try to encourage him to talk to other kids and to play with them. Peter once told me that if he could give Joey anything it would be a best friend. I second that and it touched me so profoundly how much Peter is aware of Joey and the challenges he faces. The odd thing about Aspergers and Autism for that matter is that most of these kids are unaware nor do they really care that they are different. I know this may change for Joey but for now I am grateful. He does not play with kids at recess- he jumps/skips back and forth (this is his stimming as they call it- it stimulates his body and senses).
I have spoken with some parents of other autistic/asperger kids and it is reassuring to me to know that the things I am doing with Joey are the things they are doing with their kids. He is different but he is still expected to have good manners and to be respectful (eye contact is rough). He is expected to do his best always. At meal times when his mind is in that far off place, that I don't know, I try to remind him that he needs to be here with us at the table (this happens at every meal). I find myself explaining to him over and over that he can not win every time and that he can not always be in control of other people. Also, he does not need to know everything and that sometimes he will be wrong and someone that knows better will teach him if he will allow them. He likes the feeling of knowing the right answer or the right moves at karate.
Really, I am so thankful to have Joey. He is so helpful and tries so hard to be and do whatever you ask of him. He has always been willing to take just two bites of whatever we are eating (not very autistic) even gagging it down. He wants to be obedient and stresses himself out to tears about others disobedience. He loves his brother and sisters and is very helpful. As he is getting older, we are trying to give him some older responsibilities without overwhelming him or putting too much pressure on him. Today, Peter directed him on how to mow the backyard and he did about 90% of it by himself. I taught him how to tie a quilt today and he was excited that it would be donated to those that do not have warm blankets.
Through this last nearly 2 years, I have striven to focus on the fact that Joey is happy. He may have a bit more anxiety than most kids and he may be a bit unaware about what is socially acceptable or the in thing but he is happy. As a parent, when our child is born that is really all we want for them- is to be happy. There are a few dreams that have not changed for me and what my ultimate goal is for Joey and the path of therapy and resources we provide for him: I want him to serve a mission, I want him to marry in the temple, and I want him to find his own success in life. And yes, I know that these things (along with the trials he will face) will bring him happiness. I love my Joey- my expectations for him are obedience and happiness and they seem to go hand in hand. I hope that I can meet the expectations he has of me.
