Unsure Heart

I knew this week and day would come.

For the most part I have been able to keep my mind from focusing on it too much but it is hard not to remember that you were supposed to be delivering a baby this week and won't be.

Joey asked on Wednesday when the baby was supposed to be born. Peter and I looked at each other and I told him it would have been this week. It was actually good to vocalize it somehow.

Joey has on more than one occasion asked when he would get to meet the baby. It has provided for several great opportunities to share with him the greatness of the plan of salvation, testify of eternal families and the importance of temples, as well as what the resurrection means and how it will provide the opportunity for them to meet someday.

Jon has asked when we were going to have more kids to fill the empty spaces on our family home evening board and then why we could not use the baby. He has tried to understand but I think it is a bit hard for a 5 year old to understand how one can be alive but not born and then die without being born. Again, opportunities for love and testifying.

I was proud of myself and my ability to keep it together as a took a meal to a sister in our ward who delivered a baby last Friday and I held her sweet baby girl. It made my heart long for the chance to hold one of my own again.

Today was the day that I shed some tears though. I spent the morning with 2 sisters from other wards putting away some new dishes in our church kitchen. They were discussing how many kids they have; one had 4 in 6 years with a bonus 5 years later and the other 6 in 10 years. It is not that I am not happy for other people who have wonderful families but it did make my heart ache for the baby I have lost and will not see for many years to come.

I have had this internal debate about whether or not it was okay for me to have tears and sorrow this week as I have seen and known this week would come. I decided it was okay and a necessary part of the healing process. I remember feeling anxious when Peter switched our calendar to February a day early- it was as if I did not want it to come any sooner because I would have to face this. I also debated about sharing this on my blog but I wanted it recorded and knew I would not likely get myself to sit down and write it in my rarely used paper journal.

I am still grateful every day for the bounty of blessings that I have. I am so grateful for the three kids I have and the great joy they bring me. As I have said before, I am most grateful for the chance this experience has given me to feel closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior and to strive each day to exercise increased faith in His plan for me. But, I think I will still have a bit of sadness in my heart today and that is just fine.